


I Believe You

by benhalfway



Series: Ballum One Shots [2]
Category: Ballum, EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Rape, Night Terrors, Panic Attacks, Promises, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:08:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22322332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benhalfway/pseuds/benhalfway
Summary: Callum opens up to Ben about something traumatic that happened in the army.Trigger warnings: Mentions of rape, vomit, panic attacks/PTSD and mental health in general. There's nothing graphic but please read with caution.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: Ballum One Shots [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1571590
Comments: 12
Kudos: 49





	I Believe You

**Author's Note:**

> If it wasn't for the encouragement from my best friend Chloe, (yes, we have the same name😂) this fic would never be posted. In fact, I'm pretty sure I would've deleted it by now.
> 
> I hope it's okay and at least some of you enjoy it, even if I'm not so sure of it myself.
> 
> All feedback is welcomed whether negative or positive, but as I always say, please keep any criticism respectful and constructive. Any downright nasty comments will be removed.
> 
> Thank you,  
> Chloe xx

_"Caaaalluuuum..."_

_Don't move, Callum. Just stay completely still._

_"Come out, come out, wherever you areeee..."_

_Don't breathe. They'll hear you._

_"You can't hide forever, Callum. You know that."_

_They'll be gone soon, Callum. Don't. Make. A sound._

_"Caaaalluuuuum..."_

_Don't cry. They'll hear you._

_"Found you."_

_Fuck._

_"NO, STOP! PLEASE! HELP!"_

—

Callum shot up in his and Ben's bed in a cold sweat, his eyes wide open while tears streamed down his face at a rapid pace.

He couldn't escape it. He couldn't escape _them_. No matter how hard he tried, it was always there.

Their voices, their hands, their rough, calloused fingers on his soft, virgin skin; it was always, _always_ there. Forever embedded in his mind like the worst kind of plague there is.

Callum couldn't stop the loud, strangled sobs from escaping his throat as his body shook violently, totally beyond his control.

He felt trapped, suffocated, scared; _terrified_ even.

Ben grumbled a little as he was awoken from his slumber by the sound of Callum's cries. Callum had tried his best to muffle them with his pillow but it was no use.

When Ben came around from his sleepy state about a minute later and realised what the loud noise that had woken him up was, he quickly sprung into action.

He carefully took the pillow from Callum and placed it down before pulling him into his arms and cradling him close.

"Callum? What's wrong?" He asked worriedly, gently rubbing his lover's back in a soothing manner.

Callum just cried and cried, fisting Ben's shirt in distress while Ben placed several kisses to the top of his head in an attempt to comfort him.

"Cal, babe, I'm gonna need ya to tell me what's wrong. Please. I want to help ya but I can't do that if ya don't tell me." Ben spoke into Callum's hair, gently rubbing the older man's back as he sobbed heavily, his entire body shaking like a leaf in the wind.

"I-I-I can't! I can't, Ben, I can't!" He cried, unable to stop his brain from reliving the most horrific moments of his life.

"Hey, yes you can, darlin'. You can. You can tell me anything, yeah? Just please tell me what's going on so I can help ya." Ben pleaded, burying his face in his boyfriend's hair and tightening his grip around him protectively.

Not enough to hurt him though. He would never hurt his Callum.

"N-N-No, I really c-can't! I can't! I'm so s-s-scared!" He stuttered, beginning to hyperventilate while Ben did his best to try and console him.

"Callum, Cal, calm down. Just breathe. Come on, baby, I'm right here. I've got ya. There's no need to be scared, alright? I won't let anyone hurt ya, darlin'. I promise." He soothed, gently rocking his boyfriend back and forth while the older man sobbed brokenly into his chest.

"Th-Th-Th-They already did!" Callum stammered, not quite realising what he was saying because he was in such a state.

Ben felt his heart start to make its way up his throat when he heard those words. Did someone hurt his Callum?

"Th-They? Who's 'they'?" He asked, stuttering a little himself as he was quite taken aback by what Callum had just said.

When Callum realised what he had said, his cries only worsened. Ben couldn't know about...the incident.

What if he didn't believe him? What if he thought he was lying?

"Callum, darlin', who hurt ya? You have to tell me so I can help ya-"

"Y-You can't help me! No one can help me! I-I-I can't- I can't- oh G-God, I'm going to be sick!" He whined, wriggling his way out of Ben's arms and rushing off to the bathroom to be sick.

Ben quickly jumped out of bed and ran after him, not wanting to leave him alone in this state even for a second.

As Ben rounded the corner that took him to the bathroom, he heard loud retching sounds followed by the sound of sick hitting the toilet bowl.

He quickened his pace immediately, reaching the bathroom in record time and dropping to his knees beside Callum, just as Callum vomited once again.

He gently rubbed his boyfriend's back, feeling the sweat seeping through his shirt and onto his hand but he didn't mind one bit. Callum was his priority right now.

"I-I-I'm sorry, I-" Callum was cut off as more sick spewed out of his mouth and into the toilet bowl.

Ben just carried on rubbing his back in circles, telling him not to speak and reassuring him that he was going to be okay.

Callum shook his head, ignoring the pounding feeling that the action caused as he continued to hyperventilate.

He could feel the walls closing in and his eyes beginning to cloud over due to the fact he was breathing so heavily, but he couldn't calm down no matter how hard he tried. He was having a severe panic attack.

"Callum, Cal, breathe for me. C'mon, it's okay, I'm here. Just breathe for me, darlin'. Like this." Ben encouraged, demonstrating some deep breathing to Callum as said man shook violently.

He was boiling hot and he was sweating profusely. Ben knew that if Callum didn't calm down fast, he would ultimately end up passing out.

And that was the last thing that either of them wanted.

"I-I can't, I-I-I-"

"Hey, hey. Yes, you can. Come on, copy me. Take some deep breaths and count to ten in your head, yeah? Like this. 1...2...3..."

After a little while, roughly around five minutes later, Callum's breathing had improved massively and he was no longer throwing up.

Ben was so relieved. He was already looking so much better, and that was all he wanted.

"Are you okay now, darlin'?" He asked in a soft tone as he slowly and gently rocked his boyfriend back and forth, pressing soft kisses to his warm, clammy forehead.

Callum shook his head and Ben frowned. He was so worried for his boyfriend. He hadn't seen him this wound up and upset before.

Sure, he'd woken up in the middle of the night from nightmares before and he'd gotten himself pretty worked up, but never like this.

"Are you at least feeling a little bit better?" He asked. Callum frowned but nodded.

He still felt just as scared, but he had to admit he felt a lot better physically. All thanks to his amazing, supportive boyfriend.

Maybe he could tell him after all. Maybe, just maybe, Ben wouldn't judge him and he would believe him. Just maybe.

"Good. It was horrible seeing ya like that. I thought you were going to pass out." Ben frowned, running his fingers through Callum's damp hair.

"I did too." He croaked out, before attempting to clear his throat but it hurt. "My throat hurts." He whined.

He didn't mean to, but sometimes when he was upset he became a little bit whiny.

"Well, you _were_ just throwing up, Callum...come on, let's splash your face with some cold water and you can brush your teeth, yeah? You're gonna be okay, Cal, I promise. Whatever this is, you've got the support of your boyfriend to help you through it, alright? I'm always here for ya, no matter what." Ben promised, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek.

"I-I...thank you, Ben. I love you." He said weakly, offering Ben a small but appreciative smile. Ben smiled sadly, gently caressing his boyfriend's cheek.

"I love you too, darlin'. Now come on, time to freshen up a bit. You look like a walking corpse right now." He joked, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

Callum chuckled through his nose, appreciating Ben's efforts to at least try and cheer him up a little bit.

"Wow. Way to make a boy feel special." He joked, as Ben helped him stand up from the cold, hard bathroom floor.

Ben laughed at this.

"I love ya really, Cal. Y'know that." He grinned, lightly poking Callum's cheek. Callum smiled at this. It was a small smile, but it was genuine.

"I know. I don't understand why, but I know." He chuckled lightly as he turned the cold tap on and let it run for a little bit.

"Hey, stop that, you! You're amazing. Truly, wonderfully amazing." Ben smiled, wrapping his arms around Callum's waist from behind and resting his chin on his shoulder.

Callum tensed a little at the sudden contact but quickly relaxed, placing his hands under the cold tap and cupping some water in his hands before splashing his face with it.

Ben stepped back to give him some space when he realised he was being a bit too clingy. He guessed it was just because he was worried about him.

Once Callum had successfully cooled his face down, he grabbed a towel and dried his face and neck with it while Ben watched on admiringly.

Despite the circumstances, Callum did look rather stunning with that towel around his neck.

As Callum picked up his toothbrush to brush his teeth, he noticed Ben staring and raised his left brow questioningly.

"Take a picture, it'll last longer." He teased. Ben just smiled warmly. He was glad to see that Callum was getting his humour back despite whatever it was that had gotten him so worked up.

"Sorry, you're just so beautiful." He said sheepishly. Callum rolled his eyes and smiled as he took the tube of toothpaste from the sink and squeezed some of it onto the toothbrush.

"You said I looked like a walking corpse a minute ago. Make up your mind, babe." He laughed, placing the toothpaste tube back on the sink before bringing the toothbrush up to his mouth and brushing his teeth.

Ben watched him with a fond smile. He just loved him so much that he found every little thing he did absolutely adorable.

Once Callum had finished brushing his teeth, he cleaned the toothbrush before popping it back in the toothbrush pot. He then turned and smiled at Ben.

"So. Back to bed?" He asked, offering his hand to Ben. The younger man smiled and took it, slowly guiding his boyfriend back to their bedroom.

As they sat on the bed, Callum peeled his dampened shirt away from his body before chucking it in the corner of the room somewhere.

Ben shook his head with a small, amused smile. For someone who moaned on and on about keeping the house tidy, Callum sure was messy when it came to the bedroom.

Once the two were snuggled up under the duvet, Callum's head resting on Ben's chest while Ben ran his fingers through the older man's messy bed hair, Ben asked the question that Callum had been dreading.

"So, care to tell me what that was all about? You don't have to, you know I'd never pressure you into anything, but I want to help." He said softly, reaching down to grab Callum's hand which was resting lazily on his hip.

Callum bit his lip anxiously, wondering what the hell he was going to say.

On one hand, he couldn't keep bottling things up like this because that's exactly how the panic attacks started, but on the other hand, was Ben actually ready for what Callum needed to tell him?

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked. I just wanted to help-"

"Hey, no. It's fine. You don't have to apologise. I just...well, this is something that's been haunting me for nearly half my life. I don't know if you're ready to hear what I have to say. This...this could possibly break us. This kind of thing, i-it can break couples apart. And I don't want that. I can't lose you, Ben, I-I can't-"

"Hey. Callum, listen to me. You will never, ever lose me, ok? _Ever_. We haven't gotten this far just to throw it all down the drain. You, Callum...well, you're everything to me. There's no other way of putting it. You're the most amazing, beautiful, funny, kind, dorky, loving guy I've ever met. In my whole entire life. You're so, so special to me. I'm not going to throw that all away just because you're struggling. I want to help ya, ok? No matter what it is, I'm here for ya. Always." He promised, bringing Callum's hand up to his lips and pressing a few soft kisses to his knuckles.

"I-I...do you promise? Do you promise me, on- on your life, that you won't judge me for this? That you won't freak out, and you won't- you won't think of me any differently? Cause I don't want this to define me. This isn't who I am. This is just a- a terrible, horrible, nasty thing that's happened to me, but it doesn't- it doesn't change who I am. I'm still...me." He said, swallowing thickly as he stared down at his boyfriend anxiously.

"Callum, I love you. Ok? I'm bloody in love with you. You know that. I will never, ever judge ya, no matter what's happened in your past. Alright? You..." He paused to take a hold of Callum's other hand, so he was now cradling both of his hands in his own, before continuing.

"...are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I mean it. You know I hate clichés, but you have been the light at the end of a very dark tunnel, Callum. You're my hero, my- my knight in shining armour, yeah? You're my everything. My everything and more. There is nothing you could do or say that could make me love you any less, or look at you any differently because you mean the world to me, Cal." He said truthfully, bringing both of Callum's hands up to his lips and pressing light kisses to each of his knuckles.

"Y'know what, Callum? You could tell me that you'd killed someone and I still wouldn't look at you any differently. Because you, darlin'...well, you're my world. I adore ya. From the second I wake up to the second I go to bed, no matter where I am or what I'm doing, you're always, _always_ on my mind. From your head to your toes, each and every inch of you is _perfect_. I swear on my life." He concluded, letting go of Callum's hands so he could gently cup his face in his hands and rest their foreheads together instead.

Callum now had tears rolling down his face once again, but this time, they weren't sad tears. No, they were happy tears.

Well, as happy as you could get considering everything that had happened.

"Oh, Ben, I love you so much. You have no idea how much I appreciate everything you've just said. I-I really needed to hear that. Thank you." He whispered, closing his eyes and enjoying the close proximity between them.

That was when he realised that finally, after twelve long, scary, lonely, traumatic years, he was finally ready to speak his truth.

"I-I...I think I'm ready to tell you what happened. Why I keep having these nightmares and...and panic attacks. Why, even though it's been nearly two since we got together, I'm still...still not ready to have...you know." He blushed.

"You mean...sex?" Ben asked carefully, not wanting to upset him after finally getting him to calm down after his nightmare.

Callum nodded slowly, gulping silently and Ben nodded in understanding.

"Ok, darlin'. But you take all the time you need, ok? Tell me in your own time. The last thing I want to do is pressure you into anything." Callum nodded and wiped his tears, sniffling a little.

"So, um...uh, twelve years ago..." He paused to take a deep breath, in through his nose and out through his mouth, just like his mother had taught him when he was younger.

Ben gently caressed his cheek with his thumb, letting him know that he was here without interrupting him.

"W-When I was in the army...um, s-something happened..." He gulped, struggling to find a way to explain this without completely freaking Ben out.

Ben nodded for him to continue but he just stayed silent for a while, trying to gather his thoughts and keep himself in one piece, rather than completely falling apart in front of Ben.

"S-So uh...um...there were these guys, u-uh...that I kind of uh...b-bunked with..? Oh God, I'm explaining this terribly." He whined.

He was starting to become frantic but luckily, Ben was there to keep him calm and collected, reassuring him over and over that he was doing great and there was no need to panic.

"S-So, um...so these guys, they...they t-taunted me constantly, calling me a d-dirty queer and a freak. They told me I was a joke and that I d-didn't belong there." He began to tear up all over again, the memories still so raw in his mind, even now, twelve years later.

Ben frowned.

He knew Callum had had a tough time in the army with the other blokes teasing him, but he didn't realise it was because of his sexuality. He didn't think he was even out back then.

"A-And uh...one time, they...they took the teasing way too far. They um...oh, there's no other way of saying this, they...th-they..." He started to get all worked up again but Ben was able to calm him down quite quickly.

"It's okay, you don't have to tell me if it's too much for yo-"

"No, I-I need to. I can't keep bottling things up like this, I-I...it's killing me." He frowned.

Ben nodded in understanding, gently rubbing Callum's arm in a soothing manner.

"Ok, babe, I understand. But if you need to stop at any point, just let me know. Alright?" Callum nodded and wiped his tears, letting out a shaky breath before continuing.

"S-So uh...they were chasing me and I didn't know what to do. I was only sixteen. I was scared. So I just uh...I just did the first thing that came to mind and I...I hid. I hid like a coward. I should've just kept running and found someone and told them. But I didn't. I just hid." He sniffled, wiping his tears as they began to fall once again.

"You're not a coward, Callum. You were only sixteen. Jesus, you shouldn't have been in the army at all at that age. You were just a child." Ben sighed, shaking his head in disbelief.

Callum frowned at that statement. That was what _they_ used to say. That he didn't belong there; that he was _just a child_. A stupid, immature _kid_.

"Yeah...just a child." He gulped, finding himself in a bit of a daze as his mind traveled back to the horrific things that those monsters used to say.

"A-Anyway, um...I could hear them coming near my hiding spot and I'd never been more scared in my life. They were calling out to me, saying things like, "Caaaalluuuum...come out, come out, wherever you areeee...Caaaalluuuum." in this like...incredibly creepy tone. I could feel my heart making its way up my throat. I felt sick. I wanted to cry, but I told myself not to move or even breathe because they'd hear me..." He paused to let out another shaky breath while Ben rubbed his arm comfortingly.

He didn't really know what else to do. He wanted him to know that he was there but he didn't want to interrupt him.

"B-But...but they found me. They found me, Ben. A-And I was so scared. I didn't know what they were going to do to me b-because...because the torment, i-it got worse every day. It started off as light teasing and then...and then before I knew it, it became physical. They became r-really violent and...a-and I couldn't stop them." He whimpered, snuggling closer to Ben, just needing to feel safe and protected.

Ben dropped his hands down to Callum's hips and gently pulled him closer, being careful not to startle him.

Callum reached up and wrapped his arms around Ben's neck, resting his head on his chest and closing his eyes.

"You can stop if you want to, baby. You know tha-"

"I was raped, Ben." He blurted out without meaning to.

_Fuck._

Of course he was going to tell him but he wanted to do it differently. He wanted to tell the story then slowly get to the truth, rather than just blurting it out like that.

But now he'd done exactly what he didn't want to do, and he didn't even get a response. He was just met with complete and utter silence.

He knew Ben would need time to digest what he'd just been told, but after a few minutes of silence that felt more like hours, he started to worry that Ben was going to freak out and leave.

"Ben? ...babe? ...oh god, please can you just say something?! I'm sorry, I knew I shouldn't have said anything! Now you probably hate me, b-but I love you! A-And I just- ohhh, no, no, no!"

He became frantic once again and, upon seeing this, Ben was quick to snap out of whatever shocked state he was in, in order to console his almost hysterical boyfriend.

"No, Callum, I don't hate you. I could never hate you, you're my boyfriend! I'm so sorry, darlin', I didn't mean to worry you. I was just in shock. I'm still shocked. I'm so, so sorry." He frowned, tightening his grip around Callum's waist in an almost protective manner.

He couldn't believe Callum had gone through such a horrendous ordeal at such a young age.

You hear about this stuff on the TV or read about it online, but you don't expect it to happen to someone you know, or especially someone who's so close to you.

"I'm terrified, Ben! Every time I close my eyes, I-I see them! Th-They're right- right there, just- just yelling at me and laughing at me! I'm sc-scared! A-And the worst part is that you p-probably don't believe me!" He sobbed.

Ben sighed sadly. Of course he believed him. It was just a hell of a lot to take in.

"Oh, Callum...of course I believe you. I'll always believe you because I know you, and I know you'd never lie to me. Do you really think I'd ever doubt ya?" He asked, as he gently tilted Callum's face upwards so he could wipe his tears.

Callum shrugged weakly and Ben felt his heart snap in two. Callum really was so damaged by all of this. So much so, that he barely trusted his own boyfriend.

But Ben didn't blame him. Of course he didn't. None of this was Callum's fault. He was the victim in all of this.

"I-I thought you'd think I was lying. That...that I was making it up for attention." Callum frowned, playing with Ben's shirt as he spoke.

Ben frowned but quickly covered it up with a weak yet reassuring smile as he leaned down to press a soft kiss to the top of Callum's head.

"I would never doubt you, Callum. _Ever_. If you say that's what happened, then that's what happened. That applies to absolutely anything you choose to tell me, alright? Never be afraid or ashamed to tell me something, because I'll always listen, I'll always support you and I'll always, always believe you. I promise." He said truthfully, as he gently tilted Callum's head upwards so he could see his beautiful face.

"I...don't know what to say. Thank you." Callum said quietly, barely above a whisper, as his ocean eyes filled with tears yet again.

Only, this time, they were happy tears. He was so appreciative of Ben and everything he'd done for him over the past two and a quarter years that they'd known each other.

"Callum, you don't have to thank me, alright? It's my job as your boyfriend to love you and protect you no matter what. I know you don't need 'saving' and I know you can handle yourself, but just know I'm always, always here if you need me. You can tell me anything and I'll always listen. I love you, ok?" Ben smiled reassuringly, wiping Callum's tears as they began to fall.

"I love you too." Callum replied, linking their hands together under the duvet while Ben ran his fingers through Callum's hair with his free hand.

The two men laid there for a while, hand-in-hand, with small, content smiles on their faces despite everything that had happened.

Callum was smiling because he now knew he had Ben to help him through anything and everything, and Ben was smiling because Callum was smiling.

Seeing Callum happy was enough to brighten Ben's entire week. He loved Callum more than anything in the world, and all he ever wanted was for Callum to be happy, no matter what it took.

He couldn't help the small 'awww' that slipped out of his mouth when Callum let out a soft, kitten-like yawn. He was clearly exhausted but Ben wasn't surprised. He understood.

So he wrapped his smaller body around Callum's until they were fully spooning, Callum being the little spoon as always.

Callum may have been a lot taller than Ben but he loved being the little spoon, because it made him feel safe and protected as opposed to how he felt when Ben wasn't around.

"I love you, Ben." He mumbled drowsily, feeling himself slowly drifting in and out of consciousness.

Ben chuckled softly, tightening his grip around Callum's middle ever-so-slightly.

"I love you too, babe. Now go to sleep, you're exhausted." He whispered, nuzzling his face into the back of Callum's neck.

"Okayyy. Night, Ben." Callum grinned lazily, already feeling the sleep start to overtake him.

"Night, Cal." Ben smiled, finally closing his eyes.

He let out a relieved sigh when he heard the soft snores coming from Callum, indicating that he was finally asleep.

Soon enough, both men were fast asleep with small, content smiles on their faces, the only sounds that filled the room being Callum's soft snores and Ben's slow, heavy breathing.

Finally, they were at peace.


End file.
